There are times in our lives when the skies open up and we are hit with a blinding flash of light, awakening us to something we had not yet perceived. And when it is not as dramatic as that, perhaps it is simply the light bulb in the mind turning on.That "AH"moment. Over the last few years as I have studied myself in depth and the way my thought patterns and heart work in conjunction with each other, I've discovered many new and enriching things. Some are positives, some are negatives. But either way, what I have learned has changed my life. For the better.
psychology was limited to high school classes and self taught studies. Yet, they didn't teach many of the thoughts and experiences from those Eastern thinkers, primarily concentrating on Western philosophers, theorists and great minds. My introduction to the minds of the Asian thought process was amazing. These were not hinting I should look to a superior power or being for my answers, but my own self. My human heart and mind.
And a central question,always unanswered,dealt with awareness. What was I missing in my daily life and how could I discover what "it" was? The answers, were to become those "light bulb" moments.
Especially when trying to discover the source of my irritation, pain and uncomfortable feelings that seemed to follow me everywhere. In the pit of my belly, when I would get sick with worry and wonder why. I was enjoying the good feelings we get when good things happen, and avoiding the bad things when they occurred. That's how many people deal with life. Yet, when we accept, learn to be aware of feelings and grasping, we let these bad moments go and they pass through us, as Jack Kornfield says, like the changing weather. We can be free to deal with them and move on with life, not letting them take us down. What feelings were causing me to be in such a state?
Like this teacher, I had a difficult time accepting my loneliness. I needed to accept it's resistance. Was I REALLY lonely or was it all in my head? After all, the mind is an amazing organ, full of life.
When I was young, I never had many good friends. All of my school chums had them, the neighborhood children had them. But I was always left out of most of the activities. This continued up through high school. Sure, I admit I had some friends there and associated with them during school hours, but very rarely outside of that building. This left me alone a lot during those formative years. As I graduated and moved to a larger city and found work, I still had similar patterns. I won't blame this all on my religious beliefs,although they played a large part. I COULD have made friends if I'd tried. Yet, I didn't. So, after eventually marrying and settling down, I hoped this would change. Not much. The few friends I had were fleeting and never stuck around long. It wasn't until I left the religious system I had been part of and began to open my mind and heart to other things that I truly began to see what had been happening all of those years. Why did it take so fucking long?
Now I was almost 48 years old, and in constant fear of being lonely, not having anyone around me to talk to, craving communication. ALL THE TIME!!!! I wasn't alone at all! I was surrounded by lovely people By my family of sweeties and their friends. From my community of running friends and those of the LGBT and poly community. Incredible people from all walks of life. How in hell could I be LONELY? When I had more than twenty or thirty minutes alone I would go stir crazy! Wondering if I was still loved. Did I do something wrong ? WHAT was this fear?
Seems this fear of being lonely was something I'd had for many years of my life. From that loneliness of a child, a teen, a young man. It never did go away, but buried itself in my heart and mind, as they played with it, trying to hide it as I journeyed through life. A sort of tag, I suppose. A contract between the heart and mind had been made and i was left out of the proceedings.
Now it became time to look at these fears, sense them, and to let them pass on. To see what was brought up from my past. Up from my core came came the feelings of abandonment, of fear of being alone, of not being loved. These feelings were what I was identifying with. They continued till my middle age yet were not manifesting themselves until the light bulb came on. It was time to let go of the feelings of loneliness and to let that time alone be what it was: a feeling. Something that would change in a very short time, and always was the last few years. Here I was the luckiest man alive, being surrounded by love and other humans, also with that love. I simply didn't see it. Feel it.
It is now time for a change. The last six years of my life have been filled with momentous events of upheaval and drama.Mostly positive to be fair. Why not MAKE that continue? I can. Now that I've defined the problem and can let things pass through me like the fleeting sound of a whisper.
Just be. Let that time alone be as fleeting. Take advantage of this time to dig deep within and source all of those feelings and enjoy the alone time. Ditch the devices I chat on? No, I don't need to do that at all. It does not mean I STOP associating. It signifies a need to be calm and happy being alone.
My loneliness will just have to deal with it and get used to the transitory nature of everything we as humans feel. And as one of the seven billion on this planet, I'm not alone in this journey.
***********************************************************************************
In addition, I want to make clear that although I have always felt alone and lonely, I was ALWAYS loved by my parents and brother. Never once did I feel anything other than support and affection.
My feelings came from society in general and it's amazing I'm an extrovert, an ESFJ on the MBTI.
***********************************************************************************
No comments:
Post a Comment