As the year moves on and schedules, work and experiences change our outlooks on life, we sometimes discover things that might have seemed impossible previously. And if we all had a crystal ball for future events, none would use it for bad things but positive events and riches, health,etc. Either way, life hits us in various ways with it's fists,slaps or the much appreciated hugs and kisses. Sometimes love and passion visit and those are glorious times indeed. No matter what block of years we are living, sometimes that proverbial light bulb turns on and we simply "get it" or understand our situation in the river of time. After all, we only have so many years to live this current life here. For me, a few moments this year can be called such understandings.
The primary one involves my running. No need to go into my running history nor the last few years of dealing with health issues, primarily psoriatic arthritis and sciatica. Add the aging process and it's been a more difficult thing to do , getting progressive as well. Like most runners I know, especially the competitive ones, it is difficult to stay inside, to heal or to deal with any health issues that involve our beloved running. Over the last two years I have watched and felt my mileage and speed drop as the body adjusts to the above mentioned issues. Not easy, I assure you. And the guilt....oh the guilt. Yes, there is guilt associated with this, for sure. How, you would ask? This should come as no surprise to a runner: guilt at NOT getting out to run, not racing and NOT going to social events. Ok, perhaps there are some who just don't feel guilt at not running, but damn, I sure do. If I don't get out for a run, I feel horrible. I feel like I'm completely letting my body, soul and psyche down. Letting my friends down when I'm not at a group run or event. Sad and pathetic ,isn't it?
This is what I feel when I don't run. When I don't cycle. When I don't DO SOMETHING. The sad part is that I'm also hurting physically when this happens, it not only being an emotional or psychological effect, How in the hell does it happen!! I have been laid up with an injury that took me out for a month or two and I physically couldn't run. Those are bad but at least easier as I couldn't run. But when I CAN run yet suffer when doing it, the problem is so different. Hence the quandary I have found myself in.
Guilt? Yep. So, this leads to a lot of soul searching, of making internal decisions that one can shout out or keep personal,silent. You all know me...silence is not something I'm good at. I chatter, blabber and talk a LOT. So sure, the pain and problems I have been facing are out there. So, where does this lead me?
Right to this point...now...here.
I'm slowing down when a lot of my friends and running pals of the same age are speeding up. That is tough to watch. I will be fifty years old this year and I'm totally loving life for the most part. But the running is starting to catch up to me and I'm simply not able to be as fast, run as far nor to be at all events. It hurts too much or is not at a time I can go. Hence...guilt. But my light bulb moment has arrived and this blog post is part of the coming-to-terms with it aspect. I need to let that guilt go.
Need to tell myself that it is OK to NOT run when it hurts. To not be so conscious of my weight and concerned if I can't run a half marathon at a particular time or hit a 7:50/pace (not often any more at all). Just to let it go.
Be happy I'm running and doing as well as I am.
Be happy I have the desire to do so.
Be happy for the medals,wins,paces,mileage,records and things achieved.
And to just not be so guilt ridden when I don't run, don't get out. Enjoy the things I do inside or in other aspects of my wonderful life, such as music, history, heritage and family,
For goodness sake Seumas...get over it!! Others don't seem to have this hang up.
This now being said, typed and out there....I shall try much harder.
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And to close this I will say that there is some news coming up in a few weeks that is big for me. Some know what it is and it's a bit of old news. Some won't care, some will and others just think of it as a non issue. So when that day comes, I will announce it. Till then, be assured that life is grand, going to get better and little will stop me from being positive,happy and proud to be who I am:
Seumas Dòmhnal Ross
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